


PS 3513 
.E55 R4 
1900 
Copy 1 



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THE REFORMATION 
OF A 



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A Comedy In Three Acts. 



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THE 

REFORMATION 

OF A 

LIAR. 

A Comedy in Three Acts. 

Copyright, 1900, by ALVA GEORGE. 

Trie, Kansas. 

1 900. 



OPIE^ 






CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



s-mmr* 



J . N I B B L E T ON \ I B B S . 

Deidrxch. 

Mephistito. 

Snooks, 

Rukdy. D ^37l 

Nibbs, Sr. . 

Smith. 

OTatrick. 

McDennis. 

Coon. 



Mrs. McGintv. 
Katrina, 

Ks.M KKALDA. 
L.\ 1)1 i;s, KTC. 



^I'^^^^r 



two weeks after McCJiuiy went to ih • bottom ol the sea 






THE REFORMATION OF A LIAR. 



Act i. Exterior - - Mrs. McGitity discovered sealed on rustic seat 
dressed in excessive mourning'. Laughter heard. 



Mrs. McG. How can the world indulge in unseemly mirth, while 
poor dear McGitity lies at the bottom of the sea? 

(Enter Katrina, with clog in baby carriage, leading a child by a 
(string. 

() Katrina, I'm a lone, lorn widow! Poor dear McGinty's gone to 
the bottom of the sea! 
Kat. Unt I, too, vas a poor, poor vidow ; for mine dear Deidrich vas 
dead ! (Takes Mrs. McG's haxdkkkciiikf and wipes iiki; 
eves) dead! ( Wipes eves) dead! 

( Wipes dog's c\ es and hands handkerchief back. Exeunt Mrs 
(McGinty, and Katrina, severally. Enter Deidrich, smoking 
(large pipe. 

Deid. O, dere vas mine Katrina ! O, she v ill be surprises yen she 

see me ! I haf peen from home gone a veek unt tree munt. She 
tinks me dead, hut I vas deadless. (), she \ ill he surprise veil she 
see me so not dead as I vas ! ( ), I tinks dot vas mine Katrino com- 
ing back ! (), 1 vas \ us, 

(Extending arms to embrace hep. Knter Mephistito 

Der Teufcl! 
Mkimi, No, i am the devil's younger brother. 
1_>ici i>. lsh dot so? Shake! I vas .1 lawyer mineself. 



Mepii. No, I will shake [muds wuh anybody ;■ else hut alawyer. Law 



vers, for the m >st part, are 



verv nice gentlemen, but ihev have bad 



itions, and I cannot afford to risk mine by associating with 
them. But, at least we can smo'-e the pipe of j ene< . 

(Takes pipe. As Mephistilo puis it to his mouth, red Hames 
(flash up. Returns pipe to lyeidrich who is somewhat Startled, 
(but resumes smoking. 

Deid. Unt you vas kin folks mit Satan? 

Meph. I vas. 

Deid. Veil, I links von find goot many of your family 'in dese parts. . 

Meph. And nr.iy 1 account you as one of our family? 

Deid. No, I vas play de devil sometimes, but dot vas all. 

Meph. At least, we may look forward to a warm acquaintance in the 

future. 
Deid. (Looking him over carefully,) But vere vas de horns? 

(Deidrich illustrates with finger np the side of his head. 
(Long- horns suddenly appear on Mephistito's head. He laughs 
(Exit Mephistit . Deidrich again startled, hnt resumes smok- 
(ing. 

I vonder if dot vas mine Katrina coming back? No, it vas dot 

\ idow voman female! 

( Exit hastily. Enter Mrs. McGinly, also Snooks and Bundy. 
(Snooks and Bundy are dudishlv dressed, both very easily abash- 
ed. 

Mrs. McG. Gentlemen, McGinty's gone to to the boitom ot the, sea! 

Sno. Y-y-yvs. I heard he was g-g-g going, but I d-d-didn't Know 
he was gone; and madam, p-p-permit me to wemark that the s--s-- 
sun is ninety million miles from the earth ; and this is B—B— Bundy 
madam. 

B-B Bundy don't talk much, but when B—B— Bundy does talk, mad- 
am, I I look out for facts. 

(Exit Mrs. McG., without listening to him. 

Snooks. B-B Bundy 4 I have just d discovered that the atmosphere is 
p p-pwessing on meat the wale of f-f fifteen p-p-pounds to the 
square inch. I d-d don't believe I can stand it much longer. 

(Enter J. Nibbletoii Nibbs, with Coon following, carrying two 
(large grips. 

Xii'.ns. Excuse the curio.-itv of a stranger, gentlemen, but are you 
men of families? 



Y-Y-Yes sir. I am of the Snooks family; I was b-b-born in 

Kentucky. 

; And I was born 2111 orphan, but I gradually merged into a liar. 
My name is Nibbs, J. Nibbleton Nibbs, late of Chicago. I'm the 
greatest liar on earth. My next ambition is to be the greatesl liar 
in Kansas, 
o. I-I-I'm a direct descendant of my g-g-graud -father, Phillip 
Snooks. 

Nib. Allow me to congratulate you. I'm the man who got even with 
the Spaniards for blowing up the Maine; I blew her down again. 

Sno. Tn-th-thisis B-B -Bundy. 

Nib. Ah, happy to meet you Bundy. Bundy reminds me of the Ger- 
man Emperor, so quiet and reserved. Ever meet the German 
Emperor? No! Old chum of mine. We never got along well to- 
gether. He used to say I couldn't be trusted. But he was mistak- 
en. Quite a number of people have trusted me, and they're trust- 
ing me yet. 

Sno. B-B-Bundy don't t-t-talk much, but when B-B-Bundy does 
talk, 1-1-look out for facts. 

Nib. Speaking of facis reminds me of the North Pole. I'm the only- 
man in the world who knows the facts about the North Pole. 
Some people say there's no pole there; but, Gentlemen, I saw the 
pole. Some years ago L started out to explore the Arctic regions 
and finally succeeded in reaching the North Pole. There's a va- 
cant space of some ten or fifteen acres, and right in the center of 
that stands the polo. It's a very ordinary looking pole, three feet 
in diameter, thirty feet high ; on top there's a sort of cross-beam 
for wild geese to roost on. But we'll let that pass now and come 
down to business. I suppose, Gentlemen, you'd like to look at my 
samples. 

(Coon arranges samples. 

These are photographs of ladies who are engaged to me. I can't 
marry all of them myself, so I am looking for men who can. 
Whenever I meet a woman I fall violently in love with her: she 
may he handsome, or sue mav be homely; she may be a sensible 
woman, or she may chew gum ; but it comes on me just the same. 
(Hands on heart.) 

At present these ladies are all in love with me. I engage tq trans- 
fer their affections to \ oil for a stated sum, merely a nominal sum 



to cover postage, etc. The pi ice is marked in plain figures. One 
price to all. A child can huy as cheap as the most expert man. 

(Showing photographs. 

This one's a treasure. Chicago widow. Been married five times. 
Erected a magnificent monument to each of her husbands. The 
man who marries her will he sine of a good tombstone. 
This one's peculiar. She wants a man who never talks about the 
weather. I never talk about the weather mvself and that's why she 
fell in love with me. Speaking about the weather reminds me of 
the time I was up in New England. One bright' October after- 
noon I was walking along the banks of a little lake, they call it 
Frog lake; when the weather suddenly turned cold. That lake 
froze so quick the frogs didn't have time to get their heads under 
water. The next day I walked around on the ice and kicked off 
frogs' heads by the dozens. 

This one has a rich father. Contrariest man I ever met. Even 
his food don't agree with him. 

Here's one that looks like the Goddess of Liberty. Ever meet the 
Goddess of Liberty? No! Intimate friend of mine. Fact is, I'm 
distantly related to her family. Most tender-hearted woman " ever 
met. 

This one's romantic. She wants a man who knows all about agri- 
culture. I know all about agriculture myself. An uncle of mine 
used to run a dairy farm on the Milky Way. Kept five hundred 
cows. I milked all of them, night and morning, for six years. Bv 
the way, Gentlemen, do you kn^w why a cow chews her cud? 

Sn t O. N-n-U-UO. (BUNDY SHAKES HIS HEAD ) 

NiB. Simplv a provision of nature, that's all. 

This one's sentimental. She wants a man with a soul. I told her 
I had a soul, and she loved me with all the devotion of the north- 
ern star! Ah, for her, there was no sun shine but in my smile; no 
no music but in my voice; no laughter but in my jokes; but she 
can't love a man unless he has a soul. I'm looking for a man with 
a soul. (Enter Mephistito.) Excuse the audacity of a stran^. 
er, hut have von a soul? 

Mkimi, I ha\e souis to burn. I am the devil's you iger brother. 

Nip,. Happy lo meet you. I'm the nephew of the man in the moon. 

Meimi. I have often heard my brother speak of you. 

Nir. ^ es, I'm an intimate friend of vour brother. 



Meph, My brother regards you with especial consideration. 

Nib. You flatter me ! 

Meph. Not at all. You remember the old proverb, "A bird in the 
hand is worth two in the bush," and we have no hesitancy in re- 
garding you as a bird in the hand. 

Nib. Don't mention it. You know I'm a very modest man. 

Meph. Modest! 

Nib. Yes, I'm as easily shocked as a sheaf of wheat. Gentlemen, allow 
me t» present my friend from Hades. (Snooks and bundy much 
agitated.) 1 have never been to Ha:ies myself, but I've been to 
Chicago. 

Sno. B-B-3-Bundy d-d-don't talk much, b-b-b— 

(Nibbs takes out two cigars, hands one to Misphistito. 

Nib. 1 don't know that I'm related to your family, but I'm the devil of 

a liar. 
Sno. But when B-B-Buudy does talk, 1-1-look out facts. 

(Nibbs strikes match to light Mephistito's cigar. Red flame 
(flashes from it. Mephistito strolls off. Nibbs lights his cigar 
(holding it at arms length, ohows photograph. 

Nib. This one's an old maid. Speaking of old maids reminds me of 
other days* Listen : although I am not a peacocK, yet I can a tale 
unfold. I was boi n an orphan. I was brought up by a pair of 
Puritanic old maids. Th^y had peculiar ideas about raising chil- 
dren. They never lied to me. Consequently I never knew it was 
possible to tell anything but the exact truth. In the bright lexicon 
of my youth there was no such word as falsehood. At the age of 
sixteen it was impossible for me to shade the truth, even with an 
umoiella. A few days later I went to Chicago. There the bound- 
less opportunities of prevarication first dawned upon my horizon. 
I became a pupil of Ananias. 

For five long and weary years I studied the art of lying. To-day 
I can lie without a pillow. But we'll let that pass now and come 
down to business. Yonder's the most beautiful woman I ever saw 
in the whole course of my life. (Hands on heart.) It's coming 
©n me again. Excuse me while I go and exchange hearts with 
her. My brother will show you the samples. 

(Indicating Coon. Exit Nibbs. 

>no. A.r-r-re you his b-b-brother? 



Coon. I is. 

Sno. 13— B— But what makes your c-c-comp)exions so different? 

Coon, I was bawn in de dark oi de moon. 

(Enter Deidrich. Exeunt Snooks and Bundy. 

Deid. I vonder vere mine Katrina vas gone? O, I vas all anxietied 
along mil impatience to see her ! Vas you see anytings of mine 
Katrina? 

Coon. Yis, sah, dar's a woman, sah, what look like she lose sumpin, 
sah. Mebby you's it. 

Deid. No, dot vas dot McGinty's vife, vat drown'deded, unt died. 
Hut I vas necessary find mine Katrina. I vas die of old age if I 
vaits vim litile minutes longer. O, I vas extracted mit yearnings 
in mine heart! I vish I vas not so loving dispositions as I vas! 

(Exit Deid. Enter Nibbs and Katrina, Nibbs has camera. 

Nib. I want your picture to wear next my heart. 

(Nibbs places her in position. Coon bends over. Nibbs places 
(camera on his hack, cover* -his own head with the cloth. Katri- 
(na hears Deidrich's voice off, and looks around. 

Kat. O, it vas Deidrich, unt he vas not dead! O, I vas necessary 
to faint! I vas necessary to faint! 

(She makes several efforts to faint, finally lies down up stage. 
(Enter Deidrich, stands in Katrina's position. Nibbs looks up 
(amazed. 

Deid. I vas lost mine Katrina. 

Nib. Shake, I've lost mine too. 

Kat. O, I vas fainted. I vas fainted hard ! 

Deid. O, 1 vas found mine Katrina! 

Nib, Shake, I've found mine too. 

(They congratulate each other. 

Kat. Deidy dear, you vas not such a corpse as you look. 

(Deidrich and Katrina embrace. Nibbs separates them. • 

Nib. I can't stand it, I really can't. 

Deid. Veil, but if I i>an shtand it, vat vas it to you? 

Kat. Deidy dear, he vas my fi-ann-cy ! 



)EID. Yr 



it? 



at. (Weeping.) My next! 

IB. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Nibbs, J. Nibbletou 

Nibbs, late of Chicago. I'm the greatest li (Hastily checks 

himself.) 'r I mean, I'm the greatest slight-of-hand performer 
on earth. Look at that hat, just a plain, ordinary hat. You would 
hardly suppose I had taken the Phillipine Islands out of that hat, 
would you? Fact. Some years ago, while giving an exhibition 
of my wonderful powers of magic, I took the entire Phillipine 
Archipeligo, natives and all, out of that hat. 

There has been some speculation as to the exact origin of the 
Phillipine Islands. I'm the only man in the world who knows the 
facts in the case. I took them right out of that hat. But we'll let 
that pass now and come down to business. There stands the only 
woman lever !oved! 

Deid. Unt, likevise, moreover, mineself, me too. 

Nib. She's everything to me ! 

Deid. Veil, she vas most every tings t© me. 

Nib. I love her with my whole heart 

Deid. Unt I vas love her mit mine whole heart, unt more too. 

Nib. I can't live without her! 

Deid. Unt I vas dittoed. 

Nib. Be generous, give her up to me ! 

Deid. Ask any tings but dot! * 

Nib. What! will you see me die? 

Deid. No, I v ill yust shut mine eyes. 

Nib. (kneeling.) Sir, I was born an orphan! I admit it was an 
unwise thing to do, but I was ignorant of the ways ot the world at 
the time. 

Deid. (kneeling.) Sir, she vas mine vife ! 

Kat. (kneeling.) Deidy dear, I tough t you vas dead ! 

Deid. (rising.) Vat a nisfortune it vas to a man being dead some- 
times! (others rise.) Veil, if I gomprehend de sittyvation 
along mit brop^rjudgment, it vas sometings like dis : You vas 
lovelier so veil you vas notable to live separated from mi tout her: 
(Nibbs assknts.) unt I vas love her so veil I vas not able to 
live separated from mitout her. 

Nib. And one of us must live with her, and the other die without her. 

Deid. Unt the qvestion is, vich? (Enter Mephistito.) 

Meph. I can settle that question in ?i moment. I will Hip a penny; 
heads, she's yours (Dbidrich); tails, she's yours, (Nibbs.) 




(Nibbs and Deidrich take positions at oppsite sides of stage, fac- 
ing front. Both greatly agitated. Mephistito flips the penny 

Nib. Break it to me gently, brother, break it to me gently. 
Deid. I vonder, vas it come down yet? 
Meph. Heads. 

Nib. That is what a man gets for being born an orphan ! 
Deid. (Very much agitated) Vat vas it? 
Meph. Heads. 

Deid. Heads! O, I vas born ven de lucky stars vas running the ad- 
ministrations ! 

(Starts to embrace her, fat, can't get close enough. 

I tinks you vas better come alongside. (They embrace.) O, I 
vas shtrictly inside of it! 

Nib. O, for some swift means of death! 

Coon. Allow me, sah, to lend you my razah, sah. (Shows large 
razor.) 

Nib. (Takes razor, feels edge, hands it back.) No, I'll not 
shed my blood nor scar this alabaster throat. I'll die of a broken 
heart instead. Sir, please drop a tear on my memory sometime 
when you are walking the floor all night long, keeping step to a 
babe's song. Good by. 

Deid. Mine frient, I vas veeping for you already; unt, ven in de 
course of human events you vas become ashes, den peace be mit 
your ashes ! Goot py. 

Nib. Hold ! I have an idea, there's nothing strange or unusual about 
that; I simply mention it as a sort of prelude, or introductory re- 
marks, so to speak ; hut somewhere in my worldly experience I 
have heard something about two best out of three. 

Meph. Certainly. All ready again. 

Deid. Again! O, vas I necessary suffer all dot shtrain on mine ner- 
vous gonstitution all over, vunce more again de segond time? 

Meph. Ready? 

Deid. Vait! I vant to gomprehension de sittyvation along mit right 
understandings. Yust vun times flip 'im vas not according to de 
purposes of Hoyle? 

Meph. It vas not, 

Deid. O, mine poor nerves! 

Meph. All ready? 

Deid. Vait! It vas two times get it along mit tree times try it? 




M 



Meph. It vas. 

Deid. O, I vish I vas not so loving dispositions as I vas! (Mephisti- 

TO FLIPS PENNY.) 

eph. Tails. 
Deid. Tails! O, mine heart vas cracked ! 

riB. Shake, madam, it's coming our way. 



(Deidrich groans and agonizes. Two ladies rush in. 



Ladies. (To Deidrich). What's the matter? 

Deid. Humph? 

Ladies. What's the matter? 

Deid. It vas tails ! 






(Breaks into great grief. — Enter Mrs. McGinty. 



McG. Has the poor man just discovered that McGinty's gone to the 
bottom of the sea? (Kneei.s.by Deidrich.) Sympathetic heart, 
let me weep with thee ! 

Deid. (Aside.) O, it vas dot vidow voman female again! I tinks 
McGinty be so light-hearted getting avay from her dot he vould 
not sink. 

Meph. All ready again. 

Deid. No, no, I vas not able to shtand dot any more, mine constitu- 
tion vas too delicate. I vas love her along mit magnificent affec- 
tions, but I vill give her oop. (takes katrina and leads her 
to nibbs.) You vas together made for vnn-anodder. She vas 
yours. Mine frient, you vas bossess de briceless treasure. Dake 
gare of her along rait great tenderness, unt she live de magnificent 
age. She tinks me dead. I vill become dead. Veep for me ven 
de day vas dark unt dreary. Goot py. (exit Deidrich-) 

Meph. We will leave you together, (exit Mephistito.) 

Nib. Now, madam, let's take the photograph* 

(Same position as before. Nibbs takes photograph, then takes 
(out note book and writes. 

No. 76; Name, Katrina; General description, Dutch; Age, 30, etc. 
Price, $20. (Enter Snooks and Bundy.) 

Excuse me, madam, I have business with these gentlemen. I will 
see you later. Meanwhile, you can attend your first husband's 
funeral, (exit Katrina.) 



Nib. (Showing photographs.) I assure you, Gentlemen, that these 
photographs are all genuine; goods in all cases guaranteed equal to 
samples shown. Look at that, Gentlemen ; there's a complexion 
that's warranted to wash. 

There's a dear girl. Most expensive courtship I ever had. Even 
the man in the moon who witnessed our vows claimed his witness 
fees the next day. 

That one lives out west. Ever been out west? No? Great 
country ! I traveled three seasons out there as the advance agent 
of a cyclone. 

This one is noted for the graceful manner in which she holds up 
her skirts when crossing a muddy streets Speaking of hold-ups, I 
knew of a case where the piers held up a bridge. 

There is one with a pug nose, but that's a small matter.^ Speaking 
of small matters re niuds me of an ant I had once that lost a leg, 
but that was a small matter, ii had five legs left. 

This one runs a ranch in Texas. Raises mules for the Boston 
market. I know all about mules. — (entek Esmeralda.) 

Esm. See here, Mr. J. Nibbleton Nibbs, you've gone back on me for 
that Dutch woman ! 

Nib. Be calm, Esmeralda, be calm ! I'm going bacK on the Dutch 
woman too. 

Esm. My heart is broken ! 

Nib. Excuse me, Esmeralda, you mean my heart is broken. 

Esm. Your heart? 

Nib. Ah, Esmeralda, do you not remember one balmy night when the 
moon shone bright, I gave you mv heart and you gave me yours? 
Then it must be my heart that you have there all mangled and 
crushed. Your heart (putting hand on heart), as near as I can 
tell, is all right. 

Esm. See here, Mr. Nibbs, I've got three step-fathers in Chicago, and 
they all say you've got to marry me, dead or alive. 

Nib. Esmeralda, it breaks my heart to say it, but I'm married already! 

Esm. Married! 

Nib. Listen : three weeks ago I tell into the hands of a wicked and 
designing woman. We sat at a table playing dominoes. Angry 
foot-steps were heard. "Tis my father" she cried, "conceal your- 
self in that room, or he will kill you!" My first impulse was to 
die, ail' 1 then I realized that I could not die without seeing once 
more my darling Esmeralda! I concealed myself. Unfortunately, 



the family cat a few days before had given birth to a litter of forty 
kittens in that room. Suddenly I stepped on twenty-five of the 
kittens. Hastily shifting my position, I stepped on fifty more. 
Well, to make a long story short, I was discovered. The father 
and nineteen brothers, armed with revolvers and battle-axes, form- 
ed a hollow-square before the door. I drew my sword and rushed 
to the attack. I had just killed the father and twenty-seven of the 
brothers, when a cyclone' struck the house and broke my sword. 
Being disarmed, I was obliged to yield. The next day I married 
her, and on the following day I committed suicide. 
Ism. You committed suicide ! 

Nib. Yes, Esmeralda, I now belong to the silent army of the dead, — 
but I'm out on a furlough. 

Esm. (taking his hand and weeping.) Good by, Nibbleton. I 
will go and put on mourning for you. (exit Esmeralda.) 

Nib. As I was going on to say, Gentlemen, when interrupted*; I know 
all about mules. There isn't a man on earth who knows more 
about mules than I do, unless he's a bigger liar than I am. At the 
age of sixteen I was considered the best mule-driver in California. 
Do I ever swear at mules? I^o. (exeunt Snooks and Bundy, 
silently.) Some folks think mules have a special appreciation 
of profanity. All a mistake. It's the noise. A man makes more 
noise when he swears, that's the secret of it. I used to carry a tin 
can along and beat it at intervals. 

A mule is usually a man of one idea, a horror of industry. I have 
associated with mules so much it has affected me. A mule never 
breeds. It has various reasons for it, but has never made any of 
them public 

(Enter Nibbs, Sr. 

Nibbs, Sr. Sir, you have lied to me! 

Nib. Y-y-yes, I suppose I have. I don't remember the particular lie, 

hut that's immaterial. 
Nib. Sr. Sir, you impudent scoundrel! do you mean to tell your own 

father to his face, that you have lied to him? 
Mib. (Much moved.) Don't, don't take it to heart, father; I, I've 

lied to other men too. 
N t ib. Sr. To other men, but not to women? Tell me, my boy, that 

you have never lied to a woman ! 
Nib. Never! never! 



Nib. Sr. Thanks, my boy! May that blot never stain the escutcheon 

of a Nibbs! But tell me the cause of )Oiir fall. 
Nib. Alas, I had no ashes to throw on the sidewalk! 
Nib. Sr. Sir? 

Nib. Listen : I was born an orphan — 
Nib. Sr. What? 
Nib. I said I was born your-son ; and that fact, permit me to remark 

parenthetically, is one of my most delightful recollections. 

(His father shakes his hand. 

And when I was born sir, I was as innocent as a new-laid egg. 
Nib. Sk. You looked it, my son, you looked it. 

Nib. Ah, yes, in that innocent morn ot my existence, even a lie would 
have been the truth if I had told it! But at the age of sixteen I 
went to Chicago, — 

Nib. Sr. Twenty-six, my boy, twenty-six. It was only a year ago. 

JN ib. That's a mere matter of detail. The important point is, I went 
to Chicago. And taking a guileless youth t<> Chicago is like send- 
ing him out on an icy morning without ashes,— pardon the figure of 
speech ; — and Lo-d-ay, I am sorry to say, sorry to say, even the truth 
would be a lie if I should utter it. 

Nib. Sr. Say no more. 

Nib. But I protest I could say more. Never saw the time I couldn't. 

IN ib. Sk. Say no more. My 'boy, I forgive you. I w T as something of 
a ;iar as > self in Chicago. Chicago's a very wicked place. 

Nib. Wicked ! I should say so. Even the beef-steak's tough in Chi- 
cago. 

Nib. Sr. I've noticed it myself. But now, my boy, that you are away 
from that wicked place, you must reform. 

Nib. I will, lather, but it will be a terrible ordeal! 

Nib. Sr. I'm *i\re of it, my son, but we'll all help you. (exit.) 

NlJB \ mule, as 1 \\a^ going tc say when interrupted, has but one pur- 

io kill time. (Looking off.) But there's the m st 

beautiful woman i ever saw in all the course of my life, (hands 

it's coming on me again. B\ Jove, two of them J 

of the most beautiful » omen I ever saw in my life. O, it's 

mining o\\ tin and again! (Enter two ladies.) 

(Til FY BOW VERY SLIGHTLY.) 

By I ladies, may 1 be permitted to enquire whether or not 

last roM' of summer i- still in bloom? ( I hey take no no- 
Speaking of summer reminds me of that memorable occa- 
n 1 led i he Meirimae into the harbor of Santiago. 



'irst Lady. TheMerrimac! 
Second Lady. Santiago ! 
Soth. O, it's Lieutenant Hobson! (They kiss him.) 

(An elderly woman rushes up to him. He kisses her very re 
(luctantly. Other women, old and young, white and colored, rush 
(upon the stage, crying, "It's Lieutenant Hobson!" 

ib. Tust a word, ladies. I was born an orphan, and on that account 
it's mv custom at this particular time of day to faint. It has grown 
to be such a habit with me that I really have a head-ache if I don't 
faint at this particular time of day. And with your kind permis- 
sion, ladies, and expressing the hope that I will meet you all again 
soon, I will now withdraw to my private apartments and faint. 

(Curtain.) 

(Curtain rises and Nibbs comes forward. 

ib. My brother will attend to mv affairs in my absence. 

(Coon comes forward grinning. The women scream, some faint, 
(and some rush offstage. 

End ot Act i. 



Act. ii. Exterior. Deidrich discovered smoking. 



Deid. Veil, I tought it vonld kill me ven I lose mine- Katrina; hut £ 
vfis able to shmoke yet., (smokes) Ven I vants to know vas; I 
dead or alive, I yust shmoke. (smokes) Unt veu Igan't shmoke 
I knows I vas dead. 

(Enter Smith, with two revolvers, shoots. 

Sm. My name ih Col. K. Hamhletonian Smith of Texas, and I am look 
ing for an orphan. 

Deid. Veil, yon vas come to de right blaee. I vas an orphan mine- 
self. I vas yust lose mine vife 

8m. Sir, the man who trifles with me trifles with fatality, sir! 

(Shoves revolver in Deidrich's face. 

Deid. Mine frient, it vas no use showing dose fire-arms to me, I 

don't vant to buy any. 
Sm. Permit me once more to inform yon sir, that my name is Col. K. 

Hambletonian Smith of Texas, and I am here on business. Mv 

niece runs a ranch in Texas. Raises mules for the Boston market. 

An orphan from Chicago trifled with her affections. And permi. 

me to inform yon confidentially, sir, that it's against the law in 

Texas for a Chicago orphan to trifle with the affections of a woman 

who raises mules for the Boston market;! 

(Shoots, and exit. Woman with flowers in her hand crosses 
(stage. 

Deid. Dot vas Vilhelmiua. 

(Smokes, suddenly rises. 

Vait, vait, I vas come into possession of a teory : I vas not died 
[ vas lose mine Katrina because I vas love mine Vilhelmiua yust 
so soon as I vas lose mine Katrina right avay. Ah, now de mvs- 
U iy vas cleared oop along mit de clouds rolled avay ! I vas love 
mine Vilhelmiua \ list as much nnt more too as I vas love Katrina 
ven I vas uo« lose her yet. O, I vas so loving dispositions mit mine 
heart! Unt <!ere vas mine Vilhelmiua sitting along mit de top side 
of a log, togedder mit flowers nnt romances growing all aronnt herJ 






O, it vms yust de blace to dell her she vas de segond only vomans in 
all de vorld vat I could love along mit mine entire heart all to 
redder! O, it vas a shance in a thousand-five-hundred! Vunce 
more, de segond time again, I vas shtrictly inside of it ! Unt \ il- 
helmiua vas shtrictly inside of it too, only she vas not know it yet 
She vas entirely ignorance of my intentions at her; unt vere ig- 
norance vas bliss, visdom v ill be extatics ! But stand still! I vas 
not slow enough. If 1 break into her dese news along mit unex- 
pected snddeness, she vas die mi*, over-production of choy, vich 
vould no be according to de purposes of mine gonscience. Here 
vas mine frient Nibbs. I vill yust have him separate de news to 
her along mit broper brocrastiuations. (enter Nibbs.) 
Do you know dot vomans? 
Nib, Do I know that womau? do I know her? She's my wife! 
Deid. Your vife! 

Nib. Yes. Married her not five mini tes ago. The poor creature foU 
lowed me about for weeks, ^he wotilt. weep on my doorstep all 
night, she would laugh at mv jokes all day. This morning she 
came into my presence, and placing a dagger at h*r breast, said, 
4* Wed me or I die!" I am compassionate, I am tender-hearted, I 
am full of the milk of human kindness. I married her. 
Deid. Mine frient, if de»e vas a voman in dese parts vat you haf wot 
intentions of -matrimony, I vould be obligationed if you vould indi- 
cate me to her. 
Nib. Allow me to show you my samples. (Showing photographs.) 
These women are all engaged to me. I can't marry all of them 
myself, so I am looking tor men who can. Prices marked in plain 
figures. Liberal discounts on large orders. There's a Kansas girl. 
Her conversation always reminds me of a balloon* it lifts a man to- 
ward heaven . 

There's a girl so modest she won't go out of the house in the sum- 
mer time for fear the soft breeze might caress her. 
Deid. Vait, vait, — who vas pay de freight? 

Nib. I pay it on the first hundred pounds, the customer on the bal- 
ance. That one's a bargain, — 
Dei i). Mine frient, it vas no use. I gan love two vomen mit mine en- 
tire heart altogedder, but dot vas all. I vas not possible yust to 
turn my love off unt turn it on again, similar to gas or vater. Brom- 
ise me dot you vill he kind-hearted to her! 
Nib. I promise. (They shake hands.) 
Deid. Vunce morel vill become dead again. Goot py. (Exit Deid.) 



Nib. Speaking of good pies reminds me of California. They bake 
pies out there by the heat of the sun. Moit remarkable sunshine 
I ever met. An uncle of mine had a big* crop of popcorn ; the sun 
shone so hot it popped every grain of it. The white-caps flew in 
the air so thick an old cow thought it was a snow-storm and froze 
to death. (Enter Deidrich.) 

Dei p. Mine f rient, ve vas not compromise de gonsideration along mit 
proper chudgment. Vait, now, vait! I have dis gonclusion cwme 
inside of: you vas love her so veil you vas not able to live separat- 
ed from miiout her, unt L vas dittoed. Vmice more de segond lime 
again, de qvestion is, vich? Ve»e is dot devil to flip de penny ? 

Nib. Hold 1 I have an idea — 

Deid. Uht so have 1 ! Mine frient, you vas right, it vas bropper you 
should die dis time. I tinks you vas pelter fall off de bridge into 
de vater. 1 vill Iry to save you, tint make ' J e magnificent failure, 
along mit great sorrows! (weeps.) 

Nib. My dear sir, tin- fact is — 

Deid. Yes, I know it is; unt de tact vill be feex oop along mit per- 
fect satisfactions all rount, unt ve vill meet in heaven. Goot pv« 
(exit Deid.) 

Nib. 1 have lost the only woman I ever loved! (enter Deid.) 

Deid. Mine frient, 1 tell vy you vas not able to live separated from 
mitout her ; you vas too big mit de heart, unt too ^hmall mit de 
liver. Gooi py. (starts to go.) 

Nib. Hold! Permit me to say a word oi two before you go. Listen : 
Although I am not a tallow candle, yet I can give you light. I 
was mistaken— - 

Deid. Ve v;is logedder mistaken. 

NlB. Nay, intei rupt me not, and 1 will a tale unfold more thrilling 
than a presidential campaign. Wilhelmina and I met by accident on 
tlii* very spot. The little God Cupid was with her, all entangled in 
the meshes of her golden hair! — 

Deid. Her hair vas mighty sudden shange if it vas golden. 

Nil;. All hau is -olden to a poet. The moment I beheld her, I said to 
myself, "Here is a woman before the majesty of whose mien the 
soul instinctively bows its knees!" Wilhelmina, as you so happily 
pul it, was dittoed. We realized that our souls were twins. We 
sought temple and priest immediately that we might learn heaven's 
choicest blessing. The temple was found. The priest was dittoed. 
The ceremony began. (Horn EXCITED.) 



e 




st before we were made one, (he priest fell dead. The knot 
a beau knot. It can be untied. Ten dollars will untie it. 
me ten dollars, and she is yours. 
Dkid. Mine fnent, vill you lend me de money? 
Nib. Certainly. 

(Giv.s money. Deid puts it in his pocket. 
Deid I vill pay vou in a few days, (takes nibb's hand.) Mine 

• frieul you vas a noble hearted man, along mitout dot magnificent 
selfishness vich vas not according to de purposes of mine gonsc.ence. 

GoOt py. (EXIT DIED.) 

Nib We are all worms of dust, especially the Duich ! 

(Enter Sno-ks and Bundy. Nihbs at once begins showing 
(photographs. 
There's a smart girl. Invented a machine for foreclosing mortgages 
and made a fortune out of it. Speaking of fortunes reminds me of 
the Klondike. I've seen it so cold in the Klondike that nothing 
but a warm friendship could keep us from freezing. 

Sno Y-v-you have had q-q-Guile a career! 

Nib Career! I was with Moses in the bull-rushes, I heard the cack- 
hu» of the geese that saved Rome, I helped George Washington 
~rind his hatchet; I took breakfast with Dewey at Manilla bay, I 
stood by the side of Schley at Santiago ; I have conquered Spaniards, 
Fhilipinoes and embalmed beef; hut all these are trifles to a man 
who has lived in Chicago. 

Sno C-C-Chicago must be a h-h-hot town! 

Nib.' Hot! I've seen the thermometer so high in Chicago they had 
to go up in a balloon lo look at it. 

Nib I-i-is that why vou bl-left Chicago? 

Nib No. No. I had fourteen duels and eleven breach -of -promise 
suits on hand there. But the principal reason was on account of 
my liver. The Chicago climate is very hard on my liver. There's 
: , girl with a costume so loud people take it tor a thunder storm. 

(Enter Smith, slioots. 

Sm. You are ;i liar, sir! 

Nib. Yon evidently know me, but 1 can't place yon. 
' Sm My name is Col. K. llamhletonian Smith of Texas, and i*.n 
Nib. Happy to meet you! My name is Nihbs, J. Nibhleton Nibbs, 

late of Chicago. I was born an orphan and died single. 
Sm. Died! 



Nib. Yes, but, 'sh, the public hasn't found out about it yet. and I'm 

tryiiv to keep it quiet till after election, 
Sm. Si^the man who trifles with me trifles with fatality, -tr. 

SENTS REVOLVER.) 

Nib. Speaking of fatalities reminds me of army life. I was shot 

through the heart while storming the heights of San Juan. 
Sno D-D-D-didn't it kill you? 
Nib. No, I had exchanged hearts a few days before with a boston 

widow. It killed her. 
Sm Sir, permit me once more to inform you, sir, that I am Col. K. 

Hambletonian Smith of Texas, and I am here on business! 
Nib. Texas? 'sh, don't mention it to Snooks! Whenever Snooks 

sets a man from Texas, he always kills him. 
Sm. He does, eh! (Flashes revolver at Snooks.) Sir, I am 

from Texas ! 

Sno. Y-y-y-v-v<s, I s-s-sceyou are! And p-p-p-permit me to in- 
form you that the s-s-s-sun is ninety million miles from the earth ! 

Sm. I repeat, sir, I am from Texas! 

SNO. Y -y-y-yes, and s-s -sometimes the sun is f-f-f-farther away from 
the earth than it is when it's c-c-c-closer to it! 

Sm. Well sir! do you intend to 'ill me sir? 

S NOi I_[-I_r-m be hanged if I do! 

Nib. (coming between them.) That's right, you will. Speaking 
of hanging reminds me of Arkansas. I had the ague so bad in 
Arkansas I shook all my acquaintances. But we'll let that pass 
now and come down to business. I suppose you'd like to look at 
my samples. These ladies are all engaged to me. I can't marry 
nil of them myself, so I am looking for men who can. One price 
to all. Ten per cent off for cash. There's a Chicago widow. 
The first time 1 proposed to her she refused me, and when I press- 
ed her for a reason, she said she'd been married seven times already 
and was tired of it. 

(Smith takes photograph ard shoots hole through it. 

Sm. Sn! once more I will inform you that my name is Col. K. Hani- 
bletonian Smith of Texas, and I'm here on business! 

Nir.. rexa*? Texas? I have a Texas girl somewhere. Ah, here she 
i . Runs a ranch down there, raises mules for the Boston market. 
Price, forty dolla* s. 

Sm. < Pkkseni iNGRKVOLVpn.) You have just thirty seconds to live! 




STib. Thanks. That girl cos: me many a heart-ache. I'm the most 



'tender-hearted man you ever met. I am not even revengeful 
enough to p;iy back what I borrow. 
This one is domestic in her tastes. She prefers children to poodle 

Sm. C "(Hastily butting away revolver.) I'll take that one. 
Nib. Price, fifty dollar,. (Smith pays money.) My brother wdl 
draw up the contract. 
(Goon comes forward. 
Sm. Are you his brother? 

Coon. I is. . , i T m i 

Sm. Well; there may be a family resemblance at night, but 111 be 

hanged if there is in the day-time. f 

Coon. AVell, dajt's all right; you sec, I's only his half-brudder. 

(Exeunt Smith and Coon. Nibbs shows photograph to Snooks. 

Nib. There's another Chicago widow. That's a bargain. She al 

ways allows her husbands to d v as they please. 
Sno B-b b b-nut T-I-Em already married! (weeps.) 
Nib. Married! (They weep together.) Tell me about it. 

(Enter Deidrtch. Nibbs shakes Snook's hand sympathetically. 

Sno. I-i-in an uu-n-n-u-garded moment— 

Nib. Say no more. Say no more. A man's liable to do most any, 

thing^u an ungarded moment. In an ungarded moment I was 

born an orphan. 
De.d. (Coming forward.) Unt I vas in jail vunce, unt in an uir- 

warded moment I ran avay. 
NtB. Speaking of running away reminds me of a sweetheart I had 

once. Her name was Annie May. Ah, that time I was in love! 

tenderly, passionately, devotedly, eternally in love! Of course, you 

understand Em a liar? 
Sno. S-s-s->ay, I feel r-r-real at home in your company because I 
t t-tol' 1 a lie myself once. 
81 IB. Just one! 
Sno. J-j-jnst one. 

N-ib. (Overwhelmed.) Here, take the belt. 
Sno. M m m-much obliged, b-b-but [ really don't need it. Y-y-vou see, 

1 w-w-wear suspenders. B-B- B-B-Bundv's going to talk. L 1-1-L 
1 look out for facts! 



(Coon runs in, bends down : Nibbs pulls out note-book and places 
(il on Coon's back to take down Buddy's talk. 

Bun. Some — some-somebody's standing on my foot! 

(Snooks points to Deid. standing on Bundy's foot and sa\ s, 
(« Facts!" 

Dkid. I (ought I vas stan'in on sometings vat squirmed. 

(Leisurely gets off Bin ly's foot. Exit Buiidy. 

Nib. (Aside to Snooks.) What B-B-B-Bundy needs is a w vv-wefc 
nurse. 

(Snooks looks around, sees Buudy gone, hastily follow s. 

Deid. I tought you vas going lo die? 

Nib. So I am ; -but give me time, man, give me time! I always go 
about these thing* deliberately. But yonder's the most beautiful 
woman I ever saw in all the course of mv life! It's coming on me 
again. Excuse me while I go and tell her the old, old story. 

(Exil'Nihbs. Deidrich lights pipe and smokes. 

Deid. I vunder vas I prefer to go unt see mine Villielmijia, or vas I 
prefer ytist to stay here unt shmoke? (smokes.) I links I vas 
prefer mine Vilhelmina. (hands on heart.) I vas so loving 
dispositions nut mine heart ! (starts to go.) No, 1 vas pre- 
fer to shmoke. (smokes.) 

(Enter Mephistito and Nibbs, Senior. 

Nibbs, Sr. You can cure him of lying? 

Meph. Yes, I can cure him of lying; but for his fondness for women 

there is but one earthly cure, marriage. 
Nibbs, Sr. My dear sir, if you will cure him of lying, I will be your 

most obedient servant for ever! 
Meph. [ accept the tei ms. But here he is. We will begin at once. 

First, I w r ill put him under the influence of the magic spell. 

(Enter Nibbs and Coon. 

Nib. But yesterday, so to speak, I was a guileless youth, innocent of 
these playful freaks of the imagination; to-day, 1 am the boou 
companion of the devil's younger brother. 

(Nibbs, ^r. comes forward and speaks. 



Nib, Sr. Who is the ebony -huecl individual thai accompanies you? 

N ib. He is the King of Timbuctoo. 

Coon. (Aside to Nibbs.) No sah, no sail, I won't have nnflin to do 
wid no king business; I's 'publican, I is. 

Nib. I am so sleepy I feel like going to sleep. Whenever I feel 
sleepy an:l dull I always imagine I am a justice of the peace, (sleeps.) 

Meph. Do > on remember the first lie you ever told? 

Nib. I do. 

Meph. You remember it as though it were 3 T esterdav ? 

Nib. Not quite. I remember it as though it were day before yester- 
day • 

Meph. I will have to h\ pnotize him a liltle more. Now \ou remem- 
ber it as though it were yesterday ? 

Nib. I do. 

Meph. What was the Hrsl lie you ever told? 

Nib. When I was six months old I lied about a pin, it wasn't sticking 
me at all. 

Nib. vSr. My son, what caused this awful habit of lying? 

Nib. I worked on a newspaper six months. (To M: ph.) Let there 
be no secrets between us. 

Meph. There are none. 

JMib. Mv theorv is this: as I become more and more expert in the art 
of King, my lies will seem more and more like the truth; finally 
they will resemble the truth so closely as to actually become true. 

(Mephistito speaks aside to Nibbs, Sr., bill so <is to be over- 
(heard by Nibbs. 

Meph. Do you see that spot on his cheek which comes and goes like 
political majorities in Kansas? That betokens a disease peculiar 
to this locality nm\ known to the medical profession as the Similia 
Similibus of Ananias; (Nibbs starts.) so-called because this 
disease is especially f;«tal to liars, lie has but one hour to live! 

Nib. (Aside.) O, that I had notbeen born an orphan! 

Meph. Is he a married man? 

Nib. Sr. I really do not know. 

Meph. It is to be hoped he is. This disease makes an allowance for 
a married man, he is supposed lo have some excuse for lying. 
When a linr is married, the disease will simply kill him and stop 
at that; but when a man who is both untruthful and unmarried 
comes to this pa-s, he i« doomed to a double death! 

Nib. (Aside.) Even Chicago is preferable Lo this! 



Meph. Come forth, ye spirits of the unknown, and warn this erring 
soul of the doom that awaits the liar! (Stage darkens ) Ap- 
pear! Appear ! 

(First Apparition appears. 

First A pp. j. Nihbleton Nibbs! — 

Nib. Excuse me, u late of Chicago." 

First App. Listen: I was a liar and came to this fatal spot where 
liars die a double death ! I was doomed to pass through a den 'of 
forty ferocious and hungry lions; and if I had not been a lion- 
tamer, I irernble for the consequences. (Vanishes.) 

Nib. Deidrich, what I nved at this critical moment is a dispensation of 
of Providence ! 

Meph. Heboid the second! 

(Second Appari ion appears. 

Second App. I was a liar. Fortunately I reformed in time to escape 
the honors of a double death; but I have seen sights that made 
"each particular hair to stand on e\n\ like quills on a fretful porcu- 
pine!" And I bid you beware! beware! beware! (Vanishes.) 

Nib. I made the great mistake of my life in not being hanged in my 
youth ! 

Meph. Behold the third ! 

(Third Appnrition appears. 

Third App. I was n liar, doomed to a double death ! but F was also a 
married man, and centuries of experience have demonstrated that 
one death is enough for a married m n. Therefore, I warn you, 
Get married! Get married! Get married! (Vanishes.) 

Meph (To Nthbs. Sn.) 'Come, let us go and prepare for the funeral. 

(Exeunt Mephistito and Nibbs, Sr. 

Nib. Deidrich, I wish I had been born a married man instead of an 
orphan ! 

Dkid. Mine frient, I vas v eping for you in advance. 

Nrs. (). that one death would suffice! Strange! strange! that a 
single man must < ic a double death, while a married man gets off 
with a single death'! but this is a strange place. Deidrich, I feel it 
iu my very bones that I'll not be able to survive a double death ! G, 
for some swiff means of h single death! 

Deid. Here vas mine fire-arms. (Producing revolver ) It vas 
kill two dogs vunce. 



Nib. At one shot, Deidrich? 

Dkid. No, at (loo shoots. 

Nib. Take it away. If it wont take two lives at one shot I can't use 
it. I am not cruel enough to shoot myself twice. U I lack iniquity 
sometimes to do me service." No, Deidrich, there is hut one hope, 
I must he married in thirty minutes. Get me a woman, Deidrich, 
and get her quick. 

Deid. Dere vas vuw more shance, reformation yourself. 

Nib. No, no. It took me five years to learn the art of lying; it would 
take me ten years to unlearn it. (Looking at watch.) There's 
not time enough for that. Get me a woman, Deidrich, if you love 
me ! 

Deid. Mine frient, yust permit me to show you mine zamples. 

(Bringing forward photographs. 

Nib. When I ask for bread, would you give me a stone? No, Deid- 
rich. if I wanted a woman on thirty days time I could order hy 
sample, but now I want her ;it sight. 

(Deidrich lights? pipe and passes oul. 

O, that I should ever live to die a double death ! 

(Enter Deidrich. 

Deid. V^ s it a matters of importance, vas she married or single? 

Nib. No. If she's already married she can't marry me, but I can 
marrv her. Make haste, Deidrich, if you love me! But don't 
make too much haste. It takes dignity to win a woman, anil I 
must have time to congregate my dignity, so to speak. It's some- 
what scattered now. 

(Exit Deid. hurriedly. 

[ was born an orphan, but, alts! I kept not my first estate. I 
sold it and went to Chicago. Yonder's the most beautiful woman 
[ ever mei in all the course of my life! (Hands on HE VH r.) It's 
Coining on me again ! 

(Braces up, assisted by Coon, dusts attire, primps etc. 

Yes, it's coining on me fas! ! (EnTEU MllS. McGlNl'Y.) Mail;: in, 

may 1 be permitted to a-k you a question? (She r.\t sis.) Does 
an incubator chicken love its ma? 
McG. >Sii\ such matters have no concern for me, while poor, dear ^ 
(iintV lies at the bottom of the sea! 



Nib. Speaking of incubators reminds me of George Washington's 
hatch-it. But we'll let that pass now and come down to business. 
Madam, I love you! (Kneeling.) 

McG. Sir, you insult me! What! shall 1 exchange these habiliments 
of woe for the gaudy trappings of n bride only two weeks after 
McGinty went to the bottom of the sea? Never! 



^She startes to go. Nibbs steps on the trail of her dress and 
(ielains her. 



Nib. 
McG. 

Nib. 



Bear me, madam ! 
Hear thee! —Base-born apothecary, get off of my trail! 
Give? me time to plead my cause! 



McG. Give thee lime! — Illiterate penorama, quit sta 



n ( 1 1 n o- o n m 



iv 



dress, [ tell 



! —Give thee lime! Not a moment 



Nib. L ask but time to plead my cause; and would you deny me time? 
Why madam, even the beasts of the field have lime! 

McG. Diabolical, unsophisticated, triangular; villain! wretch! .mons- 
ter ! get off of my trail ! 

Nib. I will love von, madam, a> no other man can. Centuries of prac- 
tice have made me the great st lover in the world. Of course, I 
don't mean to °ay I have actually lived for centuries, but I have 
lived very fast. 

McG. Quit standing on the memory of McGinty ! 

Nib. An . thing to please you, madam. (Knekls.) In the language 
of the Prince of Wules, 1 will spend money on yon ! 

McG. Unholy allopathic, turn me loose! 

Nib. Madam, in spite of your age, I love you! And I might ad( ! , 



madam, that 1< 



the best think I ever found for corns. 



McG. Heartless homepatliist, unhand me! 

Nib. Fairest of woman, love me! 

McG. (Screaming.) Quit standing on my drt-ss ! 



What! do von mean to keep me here forever? 



Nib. Never! 

McG 

Nib. Forever, till vou love me! We must* live together or die to- 
gether. If I should loose you now, 'twould break my heart! 

McG. I know how to sympathize with one who loves and loses; for I 
lost McGinty, and I loved him so! 

NlB. Let me be another McGinty to you! 

McG. O sir! my heart is so full of grief I have no room for love. 

N i b. Give me half \ our grief ! 

McG. Well, I L'l.I marrv you if vou'll get off mv trail. 



(Nibbs first carefully secures her with a rope around her neck, 
(then stepps off. They embrace. 

Nib. O madam! "I have ofien heard of rapture, but I never knew it 

till now !" 
McG. In nine cases out: of ten, where love is there will rapture be also. 
Nib. Well, if this is not love, it's something wondrous like it. 
McG. Excuse me for a moment. (Prepares to weep.) Poo-, 

dear McGinty, 'tis my farewell weep foi thee, lying so cold and 

lonely al the bottom of the sea! 
Nib "Come, child of misfortune, come hither; I'll weep with thee 

tear for tear." 

(They weep together on snme handkerchief. 

Nib. He was kind to nay darling? 

McG. He was. (They ^eep again.) 

Nib. He was a good husband to von? 

McG. He was so good ! and you're good too! 

Nib. Yes, t know t am; but I'm not too good to be true. But, madam, 
time flies and we must fly wit li it. (She passes out. ) fu fiftern 
minutes I shall be a married man! And then, — thank heaven! — 
then I can die but once ! (Exit* Nibbs.) 

Deid. (Outside.) Hoo-ay ! lloo-ayl 

(Enter large number of women, followed by Deid rich, florishing 

(a whip in one hand and a hatchet in the other. 

Deid. (Looking at watch.) 1 vas on top of time! 

End of Act. u. 



Act. iii. A Graveyard. O'Patrick digging grave. Sings as he digs. 

O'Patrick. 'Twas the hour of midnoight, 

Hearts were troomps, 
His arms encircled her loike a bond ; 

(Enter McDennis. 

But the scane was changed, 
And cloobs were troomps, 
The oold mon hild the winning hond. 
Den. And fhat are ye digging a grave fur noo, Pot? 
Pat. Fur a corpse. 

DiiN. And that's the motter with 'im? 
Pat. With the curpse? He's did. 

(Sings.) "New hopes may bloom, and days may coom, 

Of milder, calmer biirae ; 
But thir's noothing hof e o swate in loife, 
As Loove's \ oung drame." 
Den. Fhat made 'im doy ? 

Pat. The carpse? Will, Dinnis, it's me proivate opinion that he hoz 
l)een did with trispas-es and sins tor a long toime; but noo, he's 
did with hart-disayze, or soomthing loike thot. 

(Sings.) "O, ihir's ttoofhiiig hof so swate in loife, 

As Loove's y<ong drame." 
Den. Oi mane, Pot, fhat made him doy with the hart-disazy? 
Pat. It was the doocior. 
Den. No, Pot, it was the midicine. 
Pat. Oi say it was the dooctor. 
Den. Oi say it was the midicine. 
Pat. Yez bethray yer ignorance, Dinnis. Thir it is in black and 

whoite, the dooctor's affydavy. 
Den. Oi till ye, Pot, it was the midicine. Listen to rayson ; whin a 
moil's aboot to doy they give him midicine to kape him aloive, and 
whin a mon con'i take midicine, it stonds to ray son he's did. Thir- 
foor. Pot, it's the midicine; 
Pat. Oi till ye, Dinnis, yer mistaken. Me oncistors were mimbers of 
the hair, and Oi know more aboot the la' thin ye do, Dinnis. Noo, 
Oi will ix plain it to ye : we con't birry a mon till the dooctor siz 
he's did ; and whin the dooctor siz a mou's did, it's agin the la' fur 
him to be aloive. Thirfoor. Dinnis, it's the dooctor. 

(Sings.) fVAnd the hist of all ways to liugthin our days 

Is to stale a few hours from the uoight, me dear." 
Den. But, Pot. suppose he is aloive? 



' 



Pat. 'Sh ! — whin the dooctor siz a mon's did, it's agin the la' to 

suppose him aloive ! 
Den. But how con a mon hilp suppo'sin? 

Pat. How con a mon hilp ay tin whin lie's hoongry? but it's agin the 
la' to stale iny thing to ate. 

(Sings.) "Me coonthry, 'tis of thay, 

Swate lond of leebirtay, 
Of yez Oi sing. 
Oi say, Dinnis, it's a great thing to be a cityzin of a fray-born ray- 
pooblic! 
Den. Indade, it is, Pot! 
Pat. And lo fale thot a great mon loike the prisidint of the Unoited 

States is yer oon sirvant, Dinnis! 
Den. Yis, Pot, it odds a dignity to a mon's loife. But Oi say, Pot, 

did ye iver vote for prisidint of the Unoited States? 
Pat. Monny a toime, Dinnis. 
Den. No, Pot, ye voted for the condydate. He's not prisidint till he's 

dieted, and he's not dieted till ofter ye vote fnr Mm. 
Pat. Yer mistaken, thir, Dinnis ; he's not very often ilicted whin Oi 
vote fur 'im. A'.d noo, Dinnis, Oi will osk yez wan : Oi tookl 
ye me oncistors were mimbers of the burr, and Oi'liosk ye a laygal 
conooiidrum; VVhoi is the stotyoote of limvtations loike a woman's 
ioong? Because, when it wance begins to run it nivei stops. 
(Sings.) She was a widow, noice and diver, 

He loold her he'd loove her forivei and iver; 
Ah, said the widow with asoigh, 
"The same oold loy, the same oold loy !" 
Speaking of wimmin, remoinds me of rots ; and did ye iver sey a 
rot, Dinnis? 
Den. A rot? monny a wan! me woife's foorst husband was a Choiny- 

mon. 

Pat. And did ye iver have yer attintion called to the remarkable re- 

simblanee of the cray hire's tail to a rot -tailed foile? But, Dinnis, 

whot Oi particularly admoire aboot a rot is the good since the cray- 

tnre shows in making its holes too small fnr a cot to git through. 

(SiN(rS.) t; Moll Dawson foond OOt \\ hir her oncle did d\\ ill, 

And her oncle foond oot whir Moll Dawson did 

dvvill. 
Moll Dawson foond oot whir her oncle did dw ill, 
And her onele foond oot whir Moll Dawson did 
dwilL" 



(Enter during singing pall be.irers with coffin, followed by 
(Deidrich, Coon, and women, as mourners. Deidrich is accom- 
panied by servant who catches lears in a cup and empties them 
(into ;i bucket. Pall bearers remove lid from coffin, and retire. 

De id. All who vas in bossession of tears to shed, yoost gome forward 
unt shed 'em now. 



(He weeps over coffin, 
(coffin, k\u\ exeunt. 



Women pass, weep, drop flowers into 



O mine boor frient, I tought I vas on top of time, (weeps) but I 
vas too shlow enough. (Weeps.) Unt now I vas gome for vtiu 
last faievell. Ve vas togedder frients vim time before dis hour; 
unt wow I \ as living unt you vas dead; I vas speaking unt you vas 
speechless, but I hopes you vas not hearlcss too! O, it vas terrible, 
terrible, being togedder speechless unt hearless ! Unt I vas in de 
neighborhood of speechless mineself mit overproduction of grief. 

(Weeps. Enter Mrs McGinty. 

McG. O my poor husband ! (Weeps.) 

Deid. Vat! your husbaut ? vich? The corpse? 

McG. Yes, I married him scarce an hour ago. He fell dead at the 

alter. Of course, I fainted ; ami now that I have become myself 

again, alas! I find him thus! (Weeps.) 

(Deid. seizes her by the arm ami speaks hilariously. 
Deid. Madam! you vas save vnu of his lives! 
(Waves bandana and shouts boistrously. 

McG. (Sadly.) Only one? 

Deid. (Sadlv) Alas, MadamJ only vun! (Both weep) But, 
madam, dis vas doo sad a blace for you. I dinks I vas better es- 
cort you avay. 



(Exeunt Deidrich and Mrs. McGinty, 
(and niece, as O 1 Patrick sings. 



Enter Smith with wife 



Pat 



Sm. 



"Moll Dawson found oot whir her oncle did dwill, 

±\\\d her oncle found oot whir Moll Dawson did 

dwill." 

Gentlemen, --we owe more tears to this dead man than you shall 

see us pay." My niece here runs a ranch in Texas, raises mules 

for the Boston Market, and this is her busy season. 



Iikce. Tnrrv ;i moment. (Weeps.) 

at. "Moll Dywson foond oot whir her oncle did dwill, 

And her oncle foond oot whir Moli Dawson did 
will." 

Ni kck. It may have been my fault that you did not wed me, my fanlt 
that; I did not save you ! O, that I had paid more attention to thee, 
and less lo mules ! 

Sm. Come; al a more convenient season we will return and weep for 
him. Gentlemen, lay him away tenderly; he sold me a wife for 
fifty dollars that would have been cheap at seventy-five. 

(Exeunt Smith and Ladies. 

Pat. { Sings.) "Nobody knows what troouble was there, 

Nobody knows. Oi do declare; 
Nobody knows what fun Oi did see. 
Nobody knows, indade, but me." 

(Enter Deidrich. 

Deid. Vim of your lives vas saved, tint I vas gome back to veep for 
de odder vun. Mine frient, I vas speechless mit grief, uivt mine 
eyes vas vorking over-time to make vav mit de Hood of sorrows in 
mine heart; but, mine frient, il vas gome to me like vispers of goot 
angels, dot I vould be able to live mitout you. Goot py. ( Ex it.) 

Pat. (Sings.) Nobody knows whir Oi woz, be dan, 

Nobody knows what a toime Oi had ; 
Nobody knows thot page 6'n me loife, 
Nobody knows to till me woife. (En iki: Dkid) 

Dkid, Mine frient, I tell yon vv 1 vas able lo live mitout you ; 1 \a> 
too bi« mit de heart, same vas you, but [ vas not too shmall mil de- 
liver. Goot pv. (Exit. ) 

Pat. (Sings.) Nobodv know* to till me woife. 

Dk \. Oi say, Pot, the earpse is s wilting. 

Pat. Fon 'im. Nigger, fou 'im, and cool 'im aff. Oi uiver loike to 
put a earpse in domp groond whin it's switting. 

(Coon takes I on Si board and tans Corpse, standing .| S far R\vaj ;i> 
(possible. 



\ Sings. ) 
„*. Oi sas , Pot, flint 



\ol>od\ knows l he things Oi heard. 
Noboth knows, upon my word. 



lake- tilt 



• rp-.i ^w 1 1 : It s iini nl \\ 



Pat. Will, uoo, Dinnis, Oi imagine it's pritty hand warrk being did, 
ispicially whin a mon's not used to it; and thin, ve know, Dinnis, 
he's not accloimited vii whir he's ^onn. 

(Sings.) A small boy lay on his uruiberN bid, 

Wroi thing and moaning; 
Ghosts av grane opple* possed over his hid 
At aych Hparate groaning. 

Knt it wasn't the ghosts av tin- opjdes thot troobled the bov. Oi 
sav, Nigger, is the earpse cooling nff yit? 

(Coon gets up on high box and looks over into coffin from a 
{distance. 

Coo\. Yis sah, vis sab, be 'peahs comfortable, sah. 

Dkn. Pot, f hat's yet* oopinion ahoot ixponshnn? 

Pat. Will, noo, Dinnis, Oi foind thot the dooctors disagree abootjhoi. 
Soorn same t(» favor it, and soom take the conthrary soide. Jist 
the ither day Oi was talking to an imminint midicai gintlemon, and 
he siil ixponshnn was good fur the loongs and improved the con- 
tour of the chist ; and thin Oi rade in the papers thot it breaks doon 
the consly tooshun. Gineralh speaking, Dinnis, Oi'm furnist it. 



(Sings.) 



Nobody Knows to till me woife. 



Oi oondei shtond, Dinnis, thot \e war a souldier in the laic warr? 
Dkn. Oi was, Pot. 
Pat. And Oi suppose, Dinnis, ye often filt ver fate trimbling in the 

holla nee? 
Den. No, Put, Oi was troobled with trimbling in me kna/.e moor 

thon in me fate. 

Pat. (Singing.) A-h, siz the widow, with a soigh, 

;i The same oold lov, (he same oold toy-" 

(Nibbs siis tip in coffin; has white wings, otherwise unchanged. 

\' in. Are any of yon gentlemen liars? ff 

(Coon looks around, sees Nibbs and faints. Others attend. 

If there is a liar in my presence, I want to advise him not to be 

horn an orphan. 
Dkn. (Aside to Pat) Oi sav, Pot, Oi hoy a joke, a great joke! he*s 

talking in his stape. (Laughs.) 
Pat. lie's not aslape, lie's did. 
Din. Oi know. Pot, hoot thofs the joke. 



(They -laugh, O'Patrick resumes digging and singing 
(lights cigar. Coon recovers, turned white. 



Nil)i>: 



Pat. (Sings) If twa min roide av a horse, me dear; 

W;m must roide behoind. 
If a mon and his vvoife agrey, me dear; 
They must be av a common moitid. 

\ i n. Some men lire born liars, some become liars, and some have lying 
thrust upon them by the force of circumstances; the first I pity, the 
second I commiserate, and the third I sympathize with. Bv the 
vv:tv, Gentlemen, can any of von tell me the difference between the 
morning- stars and a church choir? No! The morning stars sang 
together. But we'll let that pass now, and come down to business: 
what do you call this? 

Dkk. A coffin. 

Nib. Yes, I'd call it a coffin myself Coffins, as I remember it, are 
mainly intended for dead people. 

Dkn. They are. 

N ib. Am 1 dead ? 

I )i:\. You are. 

Nib. 'Sh ! don't mention it to my wife. 

(O'Patrick resumes digging and singing. Nihbs gets out of 
(coffin. Coon steals off stage. 



Pat. 



"If twa mill roide av a horse, me dear. 
Wan must roide behbind." 



Nib. I suppose this is the New Jerusalem? 

Pat. Yis sor, this is Kansas. 

Nib. Speaking of Kansas reminds me of a story. l\[ like to relate it 
to you, but I can't ; dead men tell no tales. F suppjse you gentle- 
men are wondering how it feels to be dead? Well, it 1 * not bad, it 
really isn't. There's a sort of a vvicked-cease-from-troubling-aiub 
weary -are-at- rest feeling that makes it a positive pleasure to be a 
corpse. I would advise everybody to die at his earliest convenience, 
especially any one who was horn an orphan and has acquired the 
art of lying. 

Pat. It's an agf of great proogriss and invintiou we're living in ; 
with nil the mashanerv and midical improvemints we h<>\ n<>»>, 
dith is not moor thou hpf a* cliff ycull a^ it used to be. 

Nib. Mow it would be for a single man. of course I can't say, bul for 
a married man, the mortal coil is as easilv shuffled off as an audit 
shirt, By the way, gentlemen, pet nut me to call your attention to 
the remarkable resemblance between an undershirt and a hliud 
man, they're both out of sight. 






Pat, In rifferonee to dith being; aizier foor a married mon thou a 
single mon, Oi hov mo sbospicions aboot thot, ginerly spaking. Oi 
gront ye it may be true whin a mon gits such a woife as me friend 
McGinty hod. 

Nib. Gentlemen, behold in me the luckiest man that ever lived! I 
married McGiiilv's widow and died five minutes afterward. 1 
suppose you have no doubt about my being dead? 

i)j<;\. Oi hov hot, but me woife may hov. Yez con aizv foil id out ; 
her oopinion is loike salvation, fray. 

Pat. Thot*s vviioy Oi came to Konsas, iverybody hoz an oopinion iw 
Konsas. We may be short on crops and we may hov 'in to boorn, 
soomtoinies we're short on imports and ixports, we'.e always 
short on millionaires and paupers, we may be short on whiskey and 
vve'may not; but we're uiver short on oopinious. We're day term in- 
ed to hov our oon oopinious. with or withoot the consint av 
invither nation on earth. Vis sor, thot's what brought me to 
Konsas. 

N i B, I came to Kansas because I heard so much about it. Everybody 
has heard of Kansas; that is, most everybody. I met a man once 
who had never heard of Kansas, but he was very heard of hearing. 
But what brought you to Kansas? 

Dbn. Me woife did. 

1'at. (Digs and Sings.) "But the soft eye of blue. 

Though it scatter wounds too, 

Is mood) bitter plazed w bin it hales 'm." 

Nib. Mv friend, you look tired. Let me take the spade awhile. 
Pat. A spade is loike a woman's noight-cop, moor useful thou orna- 
mintal. 

(Hands spade to Nibbs, who descends into grave and begins 
(digging- and singing. 

N i i j, (Sings.) As I w ent up Pike's Peak one day, 

A mount of high renown, 
The ten lost tribes of Israel 
Passed me coming down. 

(Pauses, claps hand over his mouth. 

For a moment I imagined 1 was a liar again. Strange how the 
habits of a lifetime will follow a man even into the grave ! Speak- 
of habits, Gentlemen, leads me to remark that cities and com- 
lities have their distinguishing habits and characteristics as well 



in 



as Individuals. Some places arc habitually dull; but Chicago, for 
instance, — Ever been to Chicago, Gentlemen? 
Dkn. Me woife hoz. 

(Enter M^phistito. 

Nib. lu Chicago "they neither marry nor are given in marriage,"- they 
form limited partnerships. As I was going on to say, Gentlemen, 
ill some places even 'he razors are dull, but in Chicago the mills of 
the gods grind by electricity. 

Mi: ph. The mills of the g<*ds ! How prone ye. so-called mortals are 
to credit up the results of your own ignorance and weakness to the 
gods, to the devil, to providence or fate! Ye are your own mills! 

Nib. Is that so? Shake! I wa> afraid your brother would he trying 
to take a hand in my affairs. 

Meph. "Even the devil is not as bad as he is punted." 

Nib. I believe your brother is-soraelimes referred to as the Prince of 
Liars? 

Meph. Sometimes. 

\in. Of course, having ceased to be a liar, I no longer owe allegiance 
to him ms my prince;; but L still have a sort of an interest in the 
Fatherland, so to speak; and 1 want to advise him not to come to 
Kansas Kansas is no place For a liar. 

Mkph. It is no place for a common ordinary liar, such as his Satanic 
Majesty. My brother has given up Kansas long ago. 1 come 
here sometimes merely as a matter of curiositv, that is all. 

(Mephistito strolls off. Nibhs resumes digging, suddenly pan 

i B. I'll be hanged if I believe I'm dead ! 
vr. The dooctor's affydavyJ 

/Shows paper to Nihbs, who comes out of grave and examines it. 

But the doctor may be mistaken? 
(Shaking head) He's a rigular! 

A regular! then I give it up. 

(Gets into coffin. 

rlad to have made your acquaintance, Gentlemen. ll«>j>c to nieel 
>u again soon. (XlIE\ SHARK HANDS.) 
()i h«>\ been grave-digger here for iwiul\ year, Inn ( )i ho\ m'\ 
ct mil a moo i ginilcmonh and agrayible did-mon of uythcr sex 
1 1 ion voursilf. 



j\ i b. Thanks. I've had such a pleasant time in your company, 
Gentlemen, that no doubt in the future I shall '-'often he templed to 
remark, ''Backward, turn backward, O time, in your flight! make 
me a corpse again just for to-night!" Take care of yourselves, 
Gentlemen; dnd the best way to take care <>f yourselves is to "tell 
the truth though the heavens fall," for you're mighty apt to wish 
the heavens would fall if you don't. I've had a na* row escape 
myself. 1 shudder every time 1 think of il. Fact is, Gentlemen, 
I have only only one objection to dying-, I shall ha.\e lo lie in niv 
grave. Promise me \o '11 stand the coffin on cud! 

Pat. Oi promise. (Weeps.) 

Nib. Good bye, -Gentlemen. If yon ever come t^ my country, call on 
me. 

(They shake hands. JStibbs lies down in coffin. 

"Rock me to sleep, mother, rock me to sleep!'' 

(O'Patrick cleaning tools and singing-. 



Pat. 



If a mon and vvoife agrav, me dear. 
The\ must he of a common moincL 



Oi say, Diunis, did you iver see a joostice av the pace? 
Den. Oi hoy not, boot me woife hoz ; her sicond husband was a la'ver 
Pat. Oi hod a la'suit before a joostice av the pace nance. lie was 
the most ignorant mon Oi iver mit, and Oi filt it me Christian dut\ 
to tell 'm so. He sid he'd foine me foor contimp! av court. Oi 
toold \r\ if he'd change the charge to contimpt foor the court, Oi'd 
plade guilty, fie consented to make the change; boot ofter avvhoile 
he sid he couldn't foiud iny la 1 aginst contimpt foot' the court, boot 
Oi moigiit plade grilty inyhovv; and if the Legislature iver did poss 
such a la' Oi could coom aroond and pay me foine. 

I Exeunt O'Patrick and MeDeiiUjis. Enier Mephistito and Nibbs, 
( St. 

Mkph. His reformation is complete. 

Nibbs Ku. But are you sine he'll come to allrighti 

Meph 1*111 a puce of limbiirger cheese in the coffin with him; it will 
raise deader men than he is. Keep him here in Kansas where truth 
is stranger th m f id ion, and there is no temptati :>n for a liar. 

Nibh's Su. I ll try, 

Micph. O. von will have no trouble in keeping him here. It is diffi- 
cult to get \\\a\ to leave Kansas, even for tiie purpose of represent- 



lug the state in congress. 
Nii:iis Si;. But this weakness for making love to every woman he 

in eels? 
HeJ'H. Trust his wife to cure him of that habjt. She can heat the 

devil at that. 

(Nibbs sits up in coffin. 

X i i{. 1 want to say to all young men who are thinking of ht-coti 
liars, don't ! 

{ Lies down again. Curtain. 

End of Act. in. 



\ 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



015 898 316^ 



